Friday, May 7, 2010

Making a List...checking it 5,000 times

I don't have the code
They changed the key
If there's an answer
It's one I can't see

Obsessions Galore,
My mind is Chaos
that won't be ignored

No lover
no friend
no talent
no future
no love
no focus
no clue
no strength
no hope
no trust
no faith
no money
no job
no help
no resources
no balance
no connection
no benefits
no tolerance
no control
no comprehension
no source
no humor
no insight
no understanding
no fire
no time
no serenity
no wisdom
no positivity
no adaptability
no people-skills
no concern
no god
no freedom
no release
no skills
no belief
no prospects
no patience
no health
no discipline
no sanity
no sanctity
no security
no comfort
no love
no commitment
no camaraderie
no honesty
no courage
no endurance
no openness
no confidence
no competence
no willingness
no character
no growth
no perspective
no perception
no detachment
no acceptance
no connection
no purpose
no contest

Marking time....the revelation

There was nothing wrong with my day, really.

But I kept bursting into tears every ten minutes,
anyway. Deep, sobbing, purging tears from all
kinds of grief and despair and loneliness. And, no,
I didn't feel better after the cleansing purge.

My mind is filled with obsessive thoughts that
haunt me, and no matter what I do I can't be rid
of them. I'm disgusted and fed up, and I'm sick
of the issue of "not having any control over anything"
extending to my own mind and emotions.

How can I work a job when I am red-eyed and
prone to weeping hysterically?

How can I plan a future when at any moment I
am likely to turn apathetic and suicidal?

How can I have any kind of connection to anyone
when I am so completely disconnected and distraught?

Other people handle this on their own.
Other people can figure out how to get religion.
Other people can at least hide it and fake it well
enough to get by.
Other people get something from social interaction.
Other people are foreign and confusing and isolated.

I do know a few things, proving I do listen and
pick up stuff on occasion.
*People don't really want to hear your problems.
*If they do listen politely, they expect you to solve the
problem after having discussed it; don't suffer from
the same problem continuously.
*No matter how trustworthy they seem, people talk.
*People are too busy with their own lives; people who
have something to live for don't need to get distracted.
*Shiny and new beats out old and familiar every time.
*Folks like to assume more than they like to listen.
*Folks say one thing and mean another most of the time
("Call me," "Let me know if I can help," and other
offerings are used to avoid immediate contact.)

I just am not, never have been, and never will be
complete on my own. I am needy and an open wound
and can't get fixed. I don't want to feel this any more.

Truth is an illusion. This world is about lies, cheating,
manipulation, games-playing, withholding, denial,
betrayal, gossip, indirectness, blowing smoke up ass,
hypocrisy, two-facedness, duplicity, insincerity, egotism,
selfishness, disconnectedness, avoidance, cruelty, pretense,
and self preservation.

I won't lie; I would love to be able to become someone
who is master of all those things. But I can't even do
that right. I'm tired of being a victim, and you can't
change your stripes. I'm not mercenary, I can't fake
it, and I can't fight it.

Knowing that other people--somewhere, not here--feel
this way too (and are unwilling or unable to share it)
does not mean anything to me. I need to numb out my
head, my heart, my body...somehow, some it
temporary or otherwise.