Between a Rock and a Hardship

Can't stand to be alone
with my self or my thoughts,
can't stand the company
of another (for very long);
overly needy and then
isolated and devoid...

The voices never stop--
the cacophony grows--
yet nothing worthwhile
is said ...I can't bear the
feelings, and I can't bear
the numbness

I fluctuate between
wanting nothing at all and
wanting everything...
I can find no happy medium

Today the sky's the limit,
tomorrow no hope can be found;
this cycle continues
worsening...how can a man
build on uneven ground?

All hope placed in another
and then distrust rules the day...
you think the roller coaster
ride is exhausting for you?
I'm stuck here..no escape,
no respite

I have begged and cried
and wailed and bargained
and worked and betrayed my own
for a slice of normal....
I can mimic or maintain
a short while...but always
it returns

There is no mood;
there is alive and dead,
on and off, home and away...
there is the sometimes me,
and there is The Other;
there is not room for both
to dwell....
I reside in Heaven or....

My brain is constantly
analyzing and evaluating
but no solutions ever
appear

I don't know what to do
or say or think and
I can't tell the difference
between my insanity
and a higher calling

Please stop judging
my noncompliance
as laziness or apathy
or unwillingness or
defiance or insolence
or noncompliance or
hesitancy or less.....

My pain is real.
Some days it's all that is