"Four-for-One"; Special....by THROB (1/22/10)

Alternating between cacophony and void,

No assurances bear fruit,

No promises sustain.

I can mask the horror, but not eliminate it.

What nothingness and brokenness lies before me

is all that I may hope to possess,

and there is nothing contained within

that I desire.

Desolate on every front, Abandoned by all (save lip service on occasion;)

None are concerned nor dedicated to my well being;

Even I--the responsible party--shirk the task, inner demons, battle, enemy.

We are all alone, and alone is something I no longer wish to be.

There are four of us here in the rubble,

and only one is a fighter; that's a '1-in-4' chance of

things going well when the shit hits the fan.

Minuscule pleasures are fleeting, ever lessening in intensity

and frequency (conversely pain is more abundant and profound.)

The body fails, the mind rebels, the heart betrays.....

Others might be surprised to know just how firm

the mask has held; how much lay beyond their purview;

I hide it well. People only see

the smallest sliver of the leviathan that looms within.

My enemy resides within.

blessings..by THROB

Inherent in every sideways occurrence on this mud ball, 

there lies a blessing.

The lesson might simply be a hard-won fact of life, such as:

"You can't get something for nothing." or

"If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." or

"There's a pattern here that I did not realize before."

But something can always come from any situation, 

no matter how bitter the taste

or how humiliating the loss of face.

To understand--as never before--how fully we must 

rely on no outside means

for sustenance...this is a blessing.

I had lost--excuse me...given away--my Mojo.

I had departed from my self confidence.

I put faith in intangibles and empty promises.

I was concerned about the welfare of others more than my own.

I became distracted by an ideal that is not realistic nor healthy.

I let someone else dictate what my course of action 'should' be.

The burden is, as always, squarely on my shoulders.

My ignorance and softness and naivete' gave way to powerlessness 

and despair.

Action and decisiveness was overcome by talking and sharing.

I imagined a concern for my welfare that never was hinted at; 

only a desire to regulate my thinking to match another's. 

(Brain-washing efforts are tricky; when the techniques and 

dogma varies, you forget that it's all the same under 

the hood.)

But I'm back in the saddle again; stronger than before.

Resolute. Fearless. Courageous. Indomitable.

Ready for mine; and Universe provide for any who stand 

in my way.

I needed to be squashed one final time for the message to be 

driven home.

Now there is no sadness that exists here; anger and numbness 

fills its place.

I've been blessed with a new perspective...a new lease on life.

Thanks for sharing.

Regrets--I've known a few...by THROB

I don't know
If there's blame.

I never knew
There were
2 different relationships
going on simultaneously.

I never knew You.

Sorry.

Convincing......by THROB!

There can be no convincing you of the things you do not wish to know.
(Being the messenger of unwanted information has caused many a
tragedy, if only for the messenger.)


Your system of denial in place is so immaculately run that you
 had me questioning my own comprehension of realities I had
experienced firsthand!


Some things are a given in this world; most everyone denies
the existence of hypocrisy and double-standards, even though the
world is run based on these divisive and corrupting principles.

Allowing for and acknowledging this is similar to people thinking
about their parents' sex lives, or what the ingredients in hot dogs 
are. They would just as soon not know.


However...


When you keep people at arm's length, but request them to spill
their guts; there's something going on there.


When you invite strangers over to your home the first night you meet, 
but make excuses to keep a supposed friend at bay; there's something 
going on there.


When you avoid answering questions and ignore things you don't
want to hear; there's something going on there.


When you respond to a complaint by changing the subject and
assessing blame on the other person; there's something going
on there.


When someone's words are clear and direct and concise, and
you still misinterpret and read weird shit into them; there's
something going on there.


"You might wanna get that checked out."


No amount of smooth-talking, big teeth smiling, denials, or
head-shaking will ever remove that truth from my eyes.
Avoidance of full disclosure is still a lie.

The veil was removed from my eyes; there is a deep schism
within you.


I'm convinced of that...by the Real you that came out to attack me.

some day...by THROB

some day,
(not today,)
when you realize
that you:

jumped to conclusions,
assumed the worst,
assassinated my character,
falsely accused me,
perpetuated stereotypes,
wrote me off,
pushed me away,
overreacted,
misinterpreted,
didn't listen,
didn't pay attention,
were guilty yourself,
were channeling society,
were afraid,
were confused,
didn't mull it over long enough,
let the old ways dictate......

you should know
that:
you were forgiven
long ago.

that i understood
you
were not ready
to understand.

that your ability
to see
was limited
by experience and
circumstance and
perspective.

that i was aware of
and culpable
for my part,
as well.

that we were on
two different pages
but not
two different planets.

that it's just
another day
in the neighborhood,
even if we can't
remain
neighbors.

know that you
were forgiven
long ago.

(but not today.)

INVENTORY...by THROB

Compassion is not exemplified by smiling to my face
and trash-talking behind my back.

Understanding is not expressed by saying "It's okay" but
harboring resentments because it really wasn't.

Progress is not made by shoving down emotions and
keeping silent over hurts.

Interest in others is not apparent in obsessing
and substituting addictions.

Acceptance is not shown by giving up on others when
they don't heal on our time table.

I thought these were your lessons to be learned.
Perhaps they were mine.

Missed Connections...by THROB

Careful. Pay attention. 
Otherwise, you might miss it.


Telling others' business in a casual way, 
but wondering why I don't spill guts with you.


Passing judgment and being critical, 
then chalking up my secrecy to 'weirdness.'


Smiling and saying "It's fine", then finally 
erupting into rage over nothingness.


Pledging reliability and trustworthiness, 
then disappearing for weeks at a time.


Compassion and calm assurances up front, 
then blistering contempt and impatience in truth.


Tell me you want to know what's going on, 
then dismiss or ignore what is shared with you.


But all of this is merely 'in my head,' right?


This is not a game; the stakes are high.
People are not projects for you to pick-up and set-down
at your whim. Nor objects of scorn for your 
demanding expectations.


Where I assumed acceptance was duplicity,
understanding was what I interpreted from silences.
That all your confidantes are smug jerks
should have been a warning sign for me.


So much brightness and intellect within you,
it never occurred to me your obliviousness to other matters.
Where there are such dualities, trust cannot take hold.


I see now the real story; a series of misunderstandings and
missed connections; assumptions and confusions and projections
building a house of cards on a foundation of sand.


Somehow, I missed that.

Conflicted

Connected, yet separate, there are

spaces within our union.

There is a tacit promise, but

boundaries remain undefined

and mercurial.

Love manifests despite walls...

or does it.

My doubting heart

takes no lunch breaks.

Damned Addicts...by THROB

Damned addicts.


Why can't they just follow instructions?
Honor the word they give you?
Keep from reading too much into things?


What role did I play in deceiving you?


In truth, none.
I gave who I am
I trusted and shared as much as possible.
I was as good a friend as I know how to be.
I rode with and visited with and wrote to you
as I would anyone else.


I cared for your well being.
I respected you as you are; no confusions.
I spoke truth about the things I saw in you.
I supported your commitment to children and wife and home.
I never attempted dissent or subterfuge.


No part of me expected, desired, or attempted to make you
anything besides what and who you are.
My feelings reside in me; they are my right,
my responsibility, my business, my problem.


No one asked you to chime in with defensive
He-Man , chest-pounding bullshit and posturing;
I didn't solicit anything from you.
I didn't make a move on you.
I had no designs on anything 'happening.'
Unclench, Wilma!


I was your friend because that is who and what you were to me.
The other was kept where it belonged; in my imagination.
(I have the departmentalization thing down pat now!)


Don't take it the wrong way, but you may be the only human being
on the planet who didn't know what I was feeling.
But I would have given an honest answer had you ever asked me;
that was a determination made long ago.


What role did you play?
Never asking what surely must have crossed your mind.
Not sharing concerns.
Didn't you desire a lost soul so that you could play caretaker?
Someone with whom to maintain those feelings of superiority?
Someone to have around, to look to and say (on some level)
"At least I'm not as bad off as this crazy bastard."?


If anything, my affections for you are Testimony to your
heterosexuality and unavailability and disinterest.
Yes, I am so screwed up and hurt that I can only be drawn to people
that pose no threat of reciprocating. Where there is no possibility.
That's not for you to pass judgment on, however.


Yes, I fell for you. Not because you're a remote, disinterested, unavailable
man fitting a profile; but because you are good, loving, generous, intelligent,
beautiful man. I long for the days when someone took a fucking compliment
instead of becoming defensive or insulted.


Is it so hard to understand that feelings and actions are intrinsically separate?
That even someone as insane as I could manage to devote myself to a friend
without ulterior motives?
I am not a summary of other people's ill-conceived assumptions of me.
I own my character defects; nothing in my friendship to you was corrupted.


Damned addicts.

PUSH...by THROB

i push
to test your resolve

i push
to keep from being whelmed

i push
to verify strength

i push
to insure a safety zone

i push
because it is familiar

i push
because i am terrified

i push
because trust is overrated

you push
and i disintegrate

reminded i was correct to be wary

Stand Still...by THROB

I ask: "Did you know?"

You reply: "Should I care?"

The standstill gains more ground.