All of us have an inner voice--or voices--that either rule us,
guide us, or ride along with us.
What differs is whether or not we are conscious of the noise,
whether it works for or against us, what the origin of the voice(s)
are, and whether or not we have a desire to change it.
How do we alter a (typically) lifelong habit when we decide to change?
Even the being aware of needing to change, to disregard the over-
bearing societal influence to comply, for example, implicates the
level of sway it has over us. (If we begin to think or act in direct
response to said existence, we are still essentially controlled--or
at least affected--by its presence.)
To disregard or discard the influence of others or Other, and become
singularly focused on individual desire...one's own need, at
expense of all else...distanced from all else....by means of failing
to even register anything else...that is a great achievement.
Complete self-absorption and self sufficiency is the ultimate key
to survival.
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Damned addicts.
Why can't they just follow instructions?
Honor the word they give you?
Keep from reading too much into things?
What role did I play in deceiving you?
In truth, none.
I gave who I am
I trusted and shared as much as possible.
I was as good a friend as I know how to be.
I rode with and visited with and wrote to you
as I would anyone else.
I cared for your well being.
I respected you as you are; no confusions.
I spoke truth about the things I saw in you.
I supported your commitment to children and wife and home.
I never attempted dissent or subterfuge.
No part of me expected, desired, or attempted to make you
anything besides what and who you are.
My feelings reside in me; they are my right,
my responsibility, my business, my problem.
No one asked you to chime in with defensive
He-Man , chest-pounding bullshit and posturing;
I didn't solicit anything from you.
I didn't make a move on you.
I had no designs on anything 'happening.'
Unclench, Wilma!
I was your friend because that is who and what you were to me.
The other was kept where it belonged; in my imagination.
(I have the departmentalization thing down pat now!)
Don't take it the wrong way, but you may be the only human being
on the planet who didn't know what I was feeling.
But I would have given an honest answer had you ever asked me;
that was a determination made long ago.
What role did you play?
Never asking what surely must have crossed your mind.
Not sharing concerns.
Didn't you desire a lost soul so that you could play caretaker?
Someone with whom to maintain those feelings of superiority?
Someone to have around, to look to and say (on some level)
"At least I'm not as bad off as this crazy bastard."?
If anything, my affections for you are Testimony to your
heterosexuality and unavailability and disinterest.
Yes, I am so screwed up and hurt that I can only be drawn to people
that pose no threat of reciprocating. Where there is no possibility.
That's not for you to pass judgment on, however.
Yes, I fell for you. Not because you're a remote, disinterested, unavailable
man fitting a profile; but because you are good, loving, generous, intelligent,
beautiful man. I long for the days when someone took a fucking compliment
instead of becoming defensive or insulted.
Is it so hard to understand that feelings and actions are intrinsically separate?
That even someone as insane as I could manage to devote myself to a friend
without ulterior motives?
I am not a summary of other people's ill-conceived assumptions of me.
I own my character defects; nothing in my friendship to you was corrupted.
Damned addicts.
