the house most days...
No purpose worthwhile,
I remain in a haze.
Just as you might desire
a cup of coffee or a bowl of ice
cream, I desire to no longer
be alive. (Only perhaps with
more gusto than a culinary
dream.)
There is a complete void in
my gut and soul. Emptiness,
tiredness, ache, despair.
Helped not the least by
meditation or prayer.
They say "Get outside of
self" to cure the blues...
don't dwell on the past,
don't partake of booze.
I have tried all these remedies
with only the slightest of
aid; I'm afraid this disease
has my tombstone made.
To know that this cycle will
continue endlessly on,
facing each low......
The bottom line is that
"Who Gives A Flip?"
No one else can pull you free
when you fall this deep
We can only help ourselves
in this type of mess
so when we stop caring
it's a definite distress.
It's not self-pity or willfulness
or disbelief or doubt;
this is a trouble you've only
read about.
My soul aches with no end
in sight....no concern from
within, no help, no light.
Prayers are unanswered,
medications don't work,
doctors are quacks,
I know I'm a jerk.
The balance used to be
that some good outweighed
the bad that did come,
but now the bad is pervasive;
to the good I've gone numb.
I'm simply ready.
